movement

Anticipating change is, for me, worse than the actual act of change. As I sit here on my balcony that period of change has begun to begin: tonight is my first night alone in the apartment, most probably the first of many to come. This isn't the first time I've spent a first night alone in an apartment I've only shared with someone with whom I spend nearly all of my time. And yet the first night is always as bad as all of the previous first nights. Like times past, the first thing I did when I walked in was apply the dead bolt to the door. Why? I have no idea. Especially considering it was only 5 pm, sun still ablaze and Morris wide awake and meowing for food. And again, retracing steps from years ago, I paced around the apartment, unmotivated to perform the household tasks I usually carry out with satisfaction. The cat needed to be fed, the laundry required folding, the dishes stacked since last night's dinner begged to be done. Chores performed without the usual cheer, followed by incessant refreshing of my gmail page (someone must have emailed me today?) and then an attempt at some newspaper reading.

After hours of fidgety dissatisfaction I am at last nestled into one of the two bamboo chairs on the balcony overlooking the ongoing insanity of the bus stop, poised to begin season three of Weeds.

It will be better tomorrow.

incomprehensible

I have "bookmarked" my blog [yes, I still, as of 2009, feel the need to use quotation marks around verbs not previously used to mean what they now mean] and every time I click on the bookmark I am directed to an Arabic version of my blog. I never asked for this. Does my blog somehow detect that I am in Egypt [yes, I realize I write Cairo, Egypt as my location, but I've also tried Brooklyn, NY] and therefore switch to Arabic? Shouldn't it also, if it's that smart, be able to detect that I write in English and therefore provide its offerings in my language of choice?

The real problem with the Arabic script on the internet is the size: it's nearly microscopic. Although I am familiar with the open apple + command, upon viewing the mass confusion of miniscule letters I instantly become frustrated and begin clicking on random words, without any regard for meaning. When the Arabic script is that small it seems not only foreign but thoroughly frustrating.

And this is not the only misunderstanding of the night. I seem to be confounded by my own reaction, my own feelings. I found out tonight that someone I know is pregnant. Obviously this is hardly the first time, nor will it be the last but it struck me: I have felt lost and unsure since I was told; surely confusing feelings when they are combined with my happiness for her. It just so happens that this person is less a friend of mine than the person with whom I reside; a long time friend of his. Might I also add an unmarried, long time friend in her 20s? Yes, yes, of course I am happy for her, rejoicing in her joy. And yet, it strikes me that I am somehow in the wrong place and time. I can't seem to fit things together and make them flow as they should. Not that I want that to be me today or yesterday or even tomorrow, but I don't understand why it just simply can't be like that for me, why it isn't an option.